On the road.....
written by Sabine Hastrich/Danny Moar,2002,copyright by S.Hastrich
(This book is dedicated to one of my earlier friends Danny Allen Moar. I hope ur silent howl will be over one day.)
I dont know, how I came to this place. Not sure how came that I was lying here or what happened, everything was to much and I thought I was right all the time. I cant barely feel my bones.
Jack looked down at me, into my eyes, holding me in his arms.
"I tried to keep you away from this, why didnt you feel my love? I would have died for you."
It was dark around us, his eyes radiated full of tears. The street felt cold under me, only he felt warm. I tried to hold him too, but my strenght left me and I closed my eyes. I could hear Jack saying something, but I didnt understand it. It was like if he was talking in another dimension. Suddenly I didnt felt cold anymore, I felt safe in his arms, nothing could hurt me . A pic came to my mind, me at the age of 15. The point where it all started.
I just came home from a nice evening with my boyfriend. Right, I was drunken, but why not? I had just fun. I was young and madly in love. And this fight going on right now with my dad wasnt unusual. I couldnt be like he wanted me to be and I rebelled against his love for rules and order. But this evening, this fight made everything worse. And I had a mood, a strange mood like Ive never had before. I couldnt stand his screaming at me anymore, so I just turned and walked out the door without looking back...
I didnít even know how long I was wandering. An hour? Maybe two? It doesnít matter. All I know is I couldnít go back. Not there. I vowed I would never return to that hell that I left. This would my new homeÖ these streets. Here, I could make a new start where the past would never be thrown up in my face ever again. "Asshole," I thought as I pulled my last cigarette out of my pocket and sat in a dark alley to smoke it. "He never loved me." The tears began to roll down my cheeks and I fought with every bit of strength I had to stop them. I would never give him the satisfaction of hearing me cry again. I had cried enough.
I jumped in shock when I heard a loud crash behind me. Swearing, as I realized it was just a half starved alley cat looking for what little bits of food it could find in the garbage can, I turned back to the dimly lit street and took a long drag. Where was I anyways? I didnít know this area at all. And I was really hungry now. I thought of myself as that cat digging in the garbage can for the tiniest of morsels and the thought was too much for me. I buried my face in my hands and cried in the darkness. Where do I go from here? I had told my father I wanted nothing more to do with himÖ and I could not nor would I ever return. That would have been a hell more dreadful than the thought of life on the streets. But how was I to survive?
Looking out into the streets I could see the street girls walking up and down the sidewalk wearing their skimpy clothes destined to attract johns for the night. I shuddered with the thought that I might have to become as them. I would make it on my own, I determined and crushed out the butt of my cigarette. I watched them for an hour or so. The cars pulled upÖ one or two of them would get in and then speed away. Soon they would return and start all over again. It almost made me sick to think of doing that for money. I was not that far yet. And I made a silent pact with myself never to be. After all, I was an intelligent, pretty fifteen year old girl. But that didnít quell the hunger in my belly as it growled its protest at being so empty. I went over to the garbage can and grimaced as the putrid stench hit my nose. "Ugh, " I thought as I bent down to see what little I could in the shadows. The cat hissed at me and took a swipe, slicing into my cheek.
"God dammit!" I screamed and hurled the lid at it, chasing it away. There was a slight gash in my cheek that let the smallest bit of blood begin trickling out.
There wasnít much here, but I found a half eaten hamburger. I couldnít bring myself to eat it, but I was too hungry to throw it away. Holding my nose and closing my eyes I put it in my mouthÖ and almost threw up as I tasted its rottenness. After heaving dryly for a few minutes, I stood up and went out into the street. It was dark hereÖ and not in the best neighborhood. It was getting cold now. All I had on was ripped jeans a light shirt and my leather jacket. I had to find someplace warm. So I began walking blindly in the unknown neighborhood, past the condemned slums that the forgotten dregs of society called home. Here too, maybe I could find a home. These people would surely understand where I had come from.
Walking down block after endless block, hiding in the shadows so as not to attract the perverts in the cars, I came upon an after hours club. Maybe I was drawn by the sound of the hard, dark music that came from within. I donít know. But it would be warm thereÖ and maybe I could find somebody who was willing to buy a young girl something to eat. The bouncer standing outside did not look especially friendly. But although I had grown up in suburbia, I did have a fake ID and I had been in bars beforeÖ although never one like this. But I was too tired and hungry to be scared. Turning my collar up and trying to look as old as possible I made my way to the door and the monstrous bouncer.
"Just a minute," he growled at me. "You got ID?" I never blanched as I reached in my pocket and pulled out the card that had cost me five hundred dollars of my fatherís money. It listed me as being 23Ö more than old enough to get in. He studied it and me for what seemed an eternity. Finally he handed it back to me and let me pass. Maybe it had fooled him, or maybe he just saw in my eyes that I needed someplace to be for a while. But as I passed him I heard him whisper, or maybe it was just my imagination, "Be careful in there." I didnít reply as I wasnít sure if I had heard it or not. I walked through the metal detector that was used to check for weapons without any problem. Not that I had any anyways.
The music was almost deafening inside and I had trouble making my way through the massive horde of people that had come to party there. I was not in a partying mood. I went over to a dark corner and slumped down, hoping nobody would notice me. I began to feel that these people would not be interested in feeding me if they spoke to me. But at least I could rest my feet out of the frigid wind. Although it was impossible to sleep, I buried my face in my knees and closed my eyes.
How long I was like that I donít know, but when the voice spoke to me there were very few people in there. "Have too much to drink?" I looked up and saw a smiling face in the blinking lights. "Do you want someplace to sit down there, little girl?" He offered his hand and I hesitated. "My nameís Frank. Me and my friends over there wanted to ask if you wanted to come and sit and talk with us?" When I still made no move, he continued, "We have something to eat for you." With that his smile grew and he moved his hand further down. Warily, I took it and he pulled me up. "What are you doing here tonight?" he shouted over the noise of the music hammering all around us.
I just came looking for some fun," I lied.
"Well, youíve found it now." His smile grew even wider and toothy as I sat down with the three of them. "This is Brian and Ken."
"Hi," I said meekly as I hugged myself. I really wasnít comfortable with the way they were looking at me, but they did offer me food.
"And whatís your name, girl?" the one named Ken asked. "How did you ever get in here being so young?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, nervous that they might call the bouncer on me. "Iím 23." The three of them smiled at each other.
"Of course you are," Frank said and leaned in a little closer. "We believe youÖ youíre 23." He winked at his friends and the alarm bells went off in my head. It was the same feeling I got when I heard those awful footsteps coming up to my room as a little girl staying at my grandparentís house. "Whatís your name?"
For a moment my voice froze in my throat, but I quickly caught it again. "Vada," I croaked out. "Please. Iím really hungry. You said you had some food."
"Oh no," Frank said and I felt his hand on my knee. "I didnít say we had food. I said we have something for you to eat." He smiled sickly and grabbed my hand and put it on his crotch. "Now, how old are you really? Thirteen? Fourteen?"
"Leave me alone!" I screamed and tried to get away, but he held me down and moved in close to kiss me. The other two were laughing as he pressed his lips roughly against mine. I bit his lip in panic.
"You fucking little bitch!" he screamed and backhanded me, sending me reeling out of my chair and crashing to the ground. He jumped and grabbed me by the throat. I could feel his powerful hands crushing the life out of me. He was about to hit me again, when I saw another hand grab his wrist and bend it around his back. He dropped me like a rag doll to the ground as one of the bouncers overpowered him.
"I think youíve had enough," he growled and began pulling him away. His two friends jumped up to help him and they were met with three other huge men. Coughing and choking, I could see through my tears the bouncers hauling them out and throwing them out in the street. It was then that I decided it would be best if I made my escape too. While the partying and dancing had stopped during the brief struggle, it had now resumed as if nothing had happened. I slipped out into the darkened street.
I was so terrified that I began to just run blindly. I only stopped when I heard the squeal of tires behind me. Turning, I became frozen in the lights. I was so terrified that I began to just run blindly. I only stopped when I heard the squeal of tires behind me. Turning, I became frozen in the lights. The car stopped just inches away from me and I found I couldn't move until I saw who stepped out. My heart was beating fast in my ears as I saw the three guys from the club jump out and come after me. In seeming dream slowness I turned and tried to run, using the cars headlights to light my way. But it was not enough. I tripped on a stone in the alley and crashed to the ground. The wind was knocked out of me and I couldn't even cry for help as Frank reached down and grabbed me.
"You stupid bitch!" he screamed in my face breathing foul air laced with whiskey. Getting us kicked out was not a smart thing to do. We came in there for fun and that's what you're going to give us!" His powerful hands ripped my shirt down the front and he threw me to the ground where Ken and Brian held me down. I began to shriek and struggle but they were too strong. Frank fell on top of me and began to slobber all over me. It seemed the more I struggled the more turned on he got. I was vaguely aware of his hands reaching down and beginning to pull my pants down. I began screaming like a banshee, doing everything I could to get away.
Frank punched me and I felt the iron taste of blood in my mouth. "Keep this stupid bitch quiet!" he hissed at his friends. My mind was reeling then and I'm sure I blacked out for a moment. The next thing I was aware of was Frank being pulled off me and the other two leaving me. Through the haze, I could see a fight happening between them and somebody else. Who was it? I wondered. Somebody else who wanted me for themselves?
Slipping in and out of consciousness... I barely was even aware of my surroundings or what was happening. The next clear thing I could see was the stranger standing over me. I was terrified by what he wanted, but I was so weak now, there would be nothing I could do to stop him.
After beeing rescued by this stranger in front of me, I became corious who he was.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"mh, Im not sure. Im glad you came along right now." I tried to figure out his eyes in the darkeness, to see how he act, true or false.
"I saw what happened at the bar. I figured there must be trouble. Those guys are bad news"
"yeah, who are you?" I sat down on the stairs right next to me, cause my knees became soft-boiled.
"Oh, my name is Jack" We extands hands. "whats your name? And why did you go in a place like that?"
"Im Vada. Thank you for helping me. Well, actually I went there to eat something."
"Thats not a good place for a little girl. How did you get in anyways? Dont you have a home?"
I wasnt sure, if ist a good idea to tell him the truth, could I trust him?
"Well, my dad actually teached me not to talk to strangers." I tried to laugh. "Im not that young and I cantake care of my own. I just had a small fight with my father and decided to take vacation from home."
"You dont really want to live out on these streets, dont you?"
"Well, if you know a better place, I wont." I acted stupid.
"mh, well, I dont really want to see you out here , this is no life. If you trust me, you can come with me. Ill give you a safe place for the night and a meal. And then tomorrow, when youll feel better, Im sure youll be ready to go home."
"Mh, I think if ist an desire of you to kill me, you would have helped those guys, so I think I can trust you. But Im sure, I wont go home ever again." No way!
"Is it really that bad?"
"It depends on how youll look at it."
We starts walking together to a car.
"Do you want to talk bout it? What happened?"
"If ist okay, I would rather not talk bout it. Or are you upset now?"
"No, Im not upset. Why? Thats cool if you dont want to talk bout it. But I dont see how it could be so bad as to not want to go back."
Should I tell him a bit?
"My father hates me, I cant be like he wants me to be. Theres alot more, but we would stay here til morning dawn to tell you the whole story."
"I dig where your coming from. So how old are you really? I know your are not over 21."
"Your wiser than I thought. Actually Im 15. But dont tell my dad." I wasnt sure if he would have understand what I was trying to say.
"I wont, but I dont understand. What a 15 year old girl would want to go into a place like that. But I wont pry into your problems. Lets just get some food in you."
We sat down in the car, he started the engine.
"Do you have a cigarrette?"
"Mh, sure" He gave me a smoke.
"Well, thank you for beeing so friendly. Im really hungry and didnt know where to go. And I just dont want to get you on the nerves thats why I dont talk about that shit."
He talked to me while his eyes didnt left the street.
"Ist okay and Im glad to help you. So where do you live? Im guessing not around here."
"No, Im living in West Hollywood."
Now he looked at me .
"How in the hell did you end up here in Compton?"
I grinned." I have no fucking clue. I just turned and walked out of the door after that fight with my dad. But what about you? Where are you from?"
"Originally? Im from canada but Im a roadie for a band now."
I freaked out.
"Your a real roadie? Wow, thats cool! Music is my life, ya know? Which band?"
"You probably never heard of us, were just a bar band right now, but ist called endless rage."
"Mh, at least your name is original." He blinked at me.
"tell that the record companys." He pulled into a parking lot of the otel. "Well, here we are Vada."
"Is that the hotel wher you and the band stay?"
"Yeah, do you want to meet them before you eat?"
"Sure, if ist okay?"
Well, the singer J.D. isnt here right now, but you can meet vnce and russel , our drummer."
After beeing introduced with the band, I stood right next to the guitar player. He looked very attractive. No wonder he was the star of the band, he had all the groupies. Jack left me alone for 5 minutes to talk to an reporter. I felt insecure staying there alone with the band. I bit my lower lip, trying not to look like i felt, lost. Although I was still drunken, I had to think bout the fight with my dad. I was very angry bout him. If I would have gone back, which I thought bout, I would have giving him the power again over me. And I thought he got that way to much in the last years. The only thing I just wanted was forgetting everything that had to do with my family. And the offer, that the guitar player handed to me, makes me more corious as Ive ever been. It looks like a cigarrette, but it was a way bigger. I know it was a joint. I thought it is cool to smoke joints, they all did and they seemed to be cool. I wanted to be like them. So I smoked too. It was no big deal. I felt more relaxed and had deeper thoughts, also I could laugh about every little stupid remark. I felt really good and free for the first time. The other roadie of the band said I looked very sexy, which makes me feel better all the time. You can imagine where I slept that night, cant you? But we had nothing going on. They all were really friendly, and the more I knew them, the more we became closer. But actually, you cant never get really close to a musician. They make you feel like if your a member of them, but as soon as you really need them, they are gone. I didnt know that the first weeks. I thought I had find my second family. I felt reliefed and happy beeing so far away from my father. After the few days together with the band in Califonia, they asked me to travel with them around. I never thought of beeing a groupie by myself, but somehow I became one. I made friendship with the other girls who traveld with the band, ist seemed like a big family, and it was funny! We had a lot to laugh about. I was drunken or stoned the most time. The best experience was staying backstage, right next to the stage when it was darkened, the roadie introduced the band and the first chords started. That blews my fucking mind! I can remember one time, we drove in the tourbus to the next gig and I had an conversation goin on with x, the guitar player. He played some nice slow chords and told me bout that song.
"ya know, you were the muse for that song" he said very charming. He made me feel very important for the first time, me, beeing the muse for someone. I thought I had misheard it, but it was true.
"yeah? What is it about? Tell me more"
"Ist about a young girl on the road finding her own and her own view. I have written it after the nite u met us. You looked so alone."
"Noone has ever written something for me" I answered, looking deeply into his eyes.
But then the magic moment was gone as far as it came. Maxine licked his ear and he forgot our talk immediatley.
I was sitting in the lastrow of the bus with my knees up on hat eseat and my arms on it. I wanted to forget what maxine was doing with Vince, so I stared out the window let me mind running.
Maxine is so faked. I could kill her right now but i think Vince would be a bit upset with me. Lets think bout that idea later again. What am I doing here with theses peoples? Im not really like them. Actually im missing my mom, but I cant imagine going back. I dont wanna give Dad the power again. If vince actually know how much he means to me? But how could I tell him? I dont just want sex with him, I want to love him. But why should he love me? Im much to young and not that pretty as maxine. I just wish I didnt have to watch this. If he would recognize me, when I would jump out of the window?
"Vince, do you have another joint left for me?" I needed somthing to numb the pain in my mind. That was a good idea. At least they had to stop making out for giving me the joint. The joint was right, exatcly what I needed. I could relax now. I was able to shut down the scene in front of me. I liked smoking. I felt beeing in another world, my own world where everything was okay and nothing could hurt me. The miles seemed to blur together as I lost all sense of time and happenings around me. Im not sure where I was, but I found back when someone touched my shoulder. I turned and saw JD, endlee rageĎs leadsinger.
"Mind, if I sit down?" he asked me and tock the seat next to me. I havent talked much with him, although I liked him alot. He was the one who was always kidding around with me He had a great sense of humor. He smiled and asked if I had any left. I wasnt sure what he meant until he pinted at that extinguish roch between my fingers.
"Sure, for you always." I said. He lighted up the joint and took a deep breath and winked at me. "Thanky."
"You were looking a little sad, everything okay, Vada?"
"Yeah. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, now you are here, and hey, im still alive. What else does a girl want more in life?"
"Thats a far out view. You really have do a great outlook."
He took another toke and passes it back to me.
"Ya know, I learned not to expect to much in life. Then you arent that sad when nothing work out. 2
"Thats far out."
"How do you see life?"
"I see all the pain and shit in the world and it makes me angry. Thats what we sing about and what I write about. But I also see promise there."
"What kind of promise?"
"Well, I see the students rebelling against the man and I realize that if we never lose the dreams of your youth, then the world will survive, that isnt to wild for you, is it Vada?"
"Well, Id rather like talking deep than nonsense there arent a lot of kids at my age who like to talk bout that stuff. So, itslike what jim Morrison saidIn the song...please listen to me children, you are the ones who will rule the world.?"
I hoped JD would know of what I was thinking.
"Are you a fan of Jim Morrison too? Like do you read his poems?"
"Yeah, I love poems. I write some by my own too. Ever heard of rimbaud? Hes my fav poet."
"Yeah, I know Rimbaud" he smiled warmly at me. "Ive written some stuff of my own , ist a little dark, but would you like to read some of them?"
He reached into the bag he carried all the time and handed me some crumpled up sheets of papers with scribbling and writing on them.
"They are not very neat but you should be able to make it out."
"Cool, thank you, would you alos like to hear one of mine?"
"Sure." He smiled that warm smile at me again.
"Well, it may be not as good as yours, Im still trying , but it goes like this.
Justa wild child on the run;
Loosing his innocese at first;
Full of trust in his doing and dealing with death;
But wheres your hope ?
Your hope of love?"
At first he didnt say anything and I thought he hated it. He had a strange look on his face and I was about to retreat into myself again when he finally said" wow, thats really heavy, vada. I mean really."
I felt reliefed. "Are you serious? I never read my poetry to someone else. Im to shy."
He put his hand on my shoulder and I immediatley froze and he pulled back.
"You shouldnt be shy to say whats on your mind."
"Sometimes ist safer not to tell what your thinking."
"Thats true. But not when ist what your heart says."
"Especially when ist from your heart."
I had to think bout my father and I couldnt look into his eyes. My eyes filled with tears and I had to act cool, to act like something flew into my eye.
My worse fear were realize when he asked if I was sure I was okay. I could only nod and turned back to face the window before I looked down at his poetry.
"my imaginery is lost, lost in the deepness of my thought.
Forgetting realtiy around me,
i drift away then,
loosing everything and finding my own view,
I see the truth of all,
I almost finished reading all his poetry when we arrived at the hotel what supposed to be our new home for the next two days, JD sat all way right next to me, quiet, most of the time eyes closed.I felt insecure and didnt know how much he could imagine of my story.. It was my worry. It was all my fault and so I had to handle it on my own and didnt want to get others on the nerves.
Jack handed me the key to my room. While he, JD and me used the elevator together, Jd came up with an idea.
"Hey Vada, what do you think about writing an story of our band? Ya know, theres this guy who wants to interview us, he wants to write bout the band. But I think someone like you whos hanging around with us all the time, would know the band better and make a better job"
I liked the idea. Clinbing up the career ladder from beeing a groupie to reporter.
And so that is how I came to be with Endless Rage and how I became their publicist. I was really excited about my new responsibilities. Finally somebody was taking me seriously and I didnít want to mess this up. An added bonus was that I could now be near Vince. Although the closer to him I tried to get, there was Maxine. But at least I was able to share poetry with JD. He really seemed to like my stuff and I looked to him as the big brother that I never had. And there was still Jack.
Jack de la Rocha, who had saved me that night all those weeks ago. He always seemed worried about me. I appreciated his concern, but I was not a little girl. I could take care of myself. I had done it for fifteen years. But Jack was one that I could talk to about everything. He really seemed to understand what I was saying and feeling. Almost like he had been there. But of course, I knew he hadnít. Who could ever possibly understand what I had gone through before?
We were on the road constantly. Even the towns began to lose their identity. One was the same as the next, but at least it got me further away from west Hollywood. But despite it all, I should still have realized the dangers that lurked when Rolling Stone did an interview with Endless Rage for their story on up and coming rock bands that the torch would be passed to when the ones who were popular now faded from the limelight. I should have thought not to have them mention me.
"We have a court order, Mr. Campbell," the officer and child welfare agent told the bands manager. "Stating that you have kidnapped Mr. McKayís daughter and are holding her against her will. If you release her, Mr. McKay has agreed that he will not press charges."
"No deal, man!" JD said from behind the counter where he was mixing a drink in his beach house. I watched as it all transpired before me from the hallway just out of sight. "Vada works for us now, so tell whoever sent you that weíre taking care of her." The officer did not look amused and I could see the muscles in his neck tighten as he had to deal with this long hair freak.
"You have no choice, punk. Thatís what the law says."
"Man, fuck the law," he spouted and immediately the cop was on top of him bending his arm around his back and laying him over the counter.
"Anymore smart talk, wise ass?" he hissed. "Come on. Give me an excuseÖ Just one little excuse."
I knew JD said something but I couldnít hear what it was. The manager and Jack were trying to calm the situation, but that cop I felt was going to hurt JD. I couldnít let that happen for me, so I stepped out of where I was hiding. "Iím Vada McKay," I said sheepishly. "Iíll go back."
"Vada, donít" Jack pleaded but I couldnít help it. I didnít want to see JD arrested or worseÖ not for meÖ I wasnít worth it. The cop slowly let go of JD and the social worker started to lead me out of the house.
"Itís ok, dear," she reassured. "Your father has been worried about you ever since you left."
I wanted to scream. How could she possibly understand anything? Because my father wore a suit and tie he was a great man? And this band, because they had long hair, couldnít be my family? The ride to my house seemed to last an eternity. I looked with disgust at the well manicured lawn that hid the truth of what hell took place inside those walls on the upstairs bedroom. I sat in the car as they opened the door and waited for me to get out, but I absolutely refused to. I couldnít face him again. "Itís ok, Vada," the social worker said, "youíre home now."
"My home was with those people you took me away from. You donít know a fucking thing."
Apparently the social worker was not used to being spoken to like that because her face turned beet red and she looked almost like she was going to cry. I almost felt a tinge of pity for the young woman. She wasnít much older than meÖ this was probably her first case and I wasnít cooperating. But I didnít care. She wanted to put me back in that house. She finally regained her composure and asked me to come out again. Shaking my head, I stared straight ahead. That was when I heard his voice.
"Vada? Honey, Iíve been so worried about you? Why did you run away from me?
I wanted to scream at him. "You know damn well why I ran away. I couldnít deal with how you were hurting me anymore. How can you do these things to me?" In my mind I saw myself hurtling out of the car and tearing him apart, smashing his head against the ground, watching him bleed and loving every minute of it.
But all I could do was stare in silence as in my mind I screamed those words and destroyed him over and over again. "Vada, come in the house, right now!" His voice had that angry tinge and I reverted back to being a terrified little girl. I didnít want to but I saw myself getting out and walking right past his outstretched arms into the house and flopping down on the hideous orange couch in the living room. Outside the huge picture window I could see him speaking to the social worker, lying to her. Although it seemed to take forever, it also felt impossibly short time when he came in and stood over me.
"Well what?" I asked him without looking at him.
"Donít get smart with me girl," he roared at me and a chill ran up and down my spine. "You were with that band, Endless Noise. Probably doing all sorts of things that would make your mother sick."
I couldnít say what I was thinking. "What do you think, the kind of stuff you do to me?" All I could say was, "Itís Endless Rage, not Endless Noise." That was rewarded with a strong smack across my mouth.
"Get out of my sight.Go upstairs." Dad yelled at me.Welcome home Vada. I didnt need to be told twice. I ran upstairs and closed my door. Going to my window I looked at a little robin on the large tree and wished that I could fly away with her. In my dreams I always was flying. High above the ocean, free like birds. I wanted to be an eagle. I thought of JDís poem that he had shown me and I dreamed of having no anchor to hold me here. I lyed on my bed, closed my eyes and thought how nice it was to be with the band who became my real family. For a moment my mind drifted further and further away. I had to get away from this place...my heart froze as I heard the door creak slowly open. Opening my eyes I could see my fathers dark form in tha hall light. I began to shiver. I though: Now it will start all again. What could I do? He came closer and closer , sat down on my bed and started to stroke me. I couldnt even breath anymore.
"Vada" I heard him whisper in my ear. "You know i was just worried about you because I love you." He kissed my cheek and moved closer. My body was frozen like ice.
I felt his hand under my shirt. I looked around, searched for an thing that would help me. If mom would know what he does? Then he started opening the first button of my pants. In my mind i saw me clawing his eyes out. I neede to scream or holler for help, but nobody else was here. All that came out was a gargled hiss as I begged him to stop. His hand went down.
"Dad, please dont do that." I said. But all he answered was:" Honey, Im not doing anything." He wouldnt stop. He kept over and over how much he loved me as his hand slid in my pants. I felt totally helpless and i retreated in myself. Then his fingers where there, where he wanted them to be. I saw an vase on my window bank and thought bout smashing it over his head. In my mind I saw grabbing it and smashing it over his head. I played it over and over again as he slobbered all over me and moved ever closer on me. I tried to get him away from me, but as soon as I started to fight with my arms, he became violent. He hurted me really and tears were rolling down my cheek.
"Dont make me hurt you, Vada." He whispered as he pulled my pants right off. "you know you want this" I screamed very loud and suddenly i had his fist in my face. I grabbed the vase and smashed it right over his head. He toppled off the bed and there was blood coming from his forehead . He wasnt knowcked out, only dazed and I tried to make a dash for the door. Suddenly I felt his hand grabbing my neck. I didnt get any breath no more. I felt on to the floor and he was kicking into my stomach with one leg. Then I saw the baseball bat in the corner. Althought the bat was svisible I couldnt reach for it as he had pinned my arms at my sides as he crawled on top of me. Then it happened again. I felt him enter me and I couldnt do anything no more. I was his prisoner again. I closed my eyes and let him go. There was nothing I could do. I prayed he would be finished quick and woul leave then. I felt the tears rolling down my cheek as he hurted me. I drifted away and thought of vince and JD. It seemed to last eternal. Drifting away, I saw JD helping me get through this, but then the image swam and I saw Vince and Maxine. I just wished I was back in the tourneebus again and seeing Maxine and vince making out in front of me. I found that total bad then. I was so stupied then. But I should have been reliefed to be there. And now I hadthis here going on. His weight on me was suffocating and i wished that I would just die and then I would and then I would never have to live through this again. He grunted and I was still crying. Then he was finished and got off of me.
"Your getting better all the time" he said. "You practised with those guys, huh?"
I felt dirty. He left me on the floor, crying, and went downstairs. I felt so humiliated. I wanted to end it all. I went for my drawer and found a ravor that I used to cut myself sometimes. I sat down on my bed with that ravor in my hand. I was still naked. Should I kill me? Then ist all gone.
All The pain would be all gone. I decided not to. That would letting him win. Instead I put the cold steel against my flesh and felt reliefed as it pierced , drawing blood. I did over and over again til everything was full of blood. I thought that is your punishment. You had let him do this with you. Finally I stopped and watched as the blood ran staing my skin and my sheets. I thought for a long time and went and grabbed a small bag of weed I had gotten from Vince and started to roll a joint. I took deep tokes of the joint and thought bout JD and me sitting in the bus sharing an joint and talking bout poetry. He said once, I should never be to shy to tell what my heart says. I really needed help. And now my heart said, I should run away and get me help by them. I grabbed my clothes. As I snuck downstairs, I could hear my father on the phone talking to my mother at work. "You hypocrite" I thought as I snuck quietly out the door. "I hate you forever." My mind screamed at him as I began to run for my life, almost blindly. The most of the way i hitchhiked. I knew that the band had no gigs right now, so they would be probably all together at JDís beachhouse. I wasnt even worried about who picked me up. If they killed me, it wouldnt matter. I just had to get away from that place. I felt asleep on the road. The man woke me up when we arrived the city where JDís house was. It was really late and i was worried they would be asleep. And then i saw myself in the rearview mirror of the truck. I looked like hell and my eye was already beginning to swell. How could I ever explain that? I couldnt tell them what happened, I was to ashamed. I tried to get in at the front door, then at the back door, they were both closed. I remembered an key behind an lamp at the front door. When i was reaching after it, the lamp fall on the floor and felt apart. It made really loud noises.At first i should runaway. But it was to late. The front door opened. It was JD. He looked like he had just woken up and it took him a few minutes to recognize me.
"Vada?" he asked. "Is that you?"
I was shocked to be confrontrated with him and looked at the ground. The only thing I could say was:" Im sorry for the lamp, Ill pay you back."
"No, ist okay, come in." He moved out of the way and I sheepishly stepped into his house. I saw Vince and russel passed out in the living room.
"how did you get back here."
"I hitchhiked, Im sorry that I woke you all up, but I didnt know where to go." He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and then saw my face.
"What the fuck" he said and took my face in his hands.
"What happened?" I couldnt tell him no matter how badly I wanted to.
"I slipped at the stairs at home" I lied.
"Vada, your home now, you dont have to lie anymore. We all want to help you."
I saw the look in his eyes and knew that he was telling the truth, but I couldnt trust him or anyone with this. It was my own problem. I just numbled:" do you have anything to eat?"
JD made me the rest of his pizza warm. While i was sitting in the kitchen eating, i could hear the others talking in the living room.
"Do you believe her?" And "we should do something against her father" came to me. I felt like I was going to cry again. I didnt want to dump my problems on them. They talked over half an hour about me when they came into the kitchen. I didnt even had the courage to look them into the faces.
"Vada, we can only help you, when you tell us what really happened. Otherwise it will happen again and again and Im sure you dont want that happen."
"JD please." I tried to act strong although my voice quivered.
"It was nothing. Im not going back there, no matter what, so you dont have to worry about me, okay?" I hoped he would exept my feeble excuse.JD offered me his bed while he slept on the couch for the rest of the night.
I was standing outside, waiting for an friend of JD. Jd said this guy Thomas was like his younger brother and I should get him behind ths stage. I was corious about thomas. How would he look like? Cute like Vince? Would he be my age? I had my backstage pass around my neck. The hall filled slowly with poeple, the more people the harder to find Thomas. Some feets in front of me were standing some young girls. They wore the new shirts of the band. One guy was with them. But he looked older, maybe around 20. They seemed to talk bout me and I became insecure. I bite my lower lip. Sudddenly one of the girls came to me. I raised one eyebrow and stared at her.
"Hi, do you belong to the band?" she asked nervously.
"Yeah" I said, a little proud.
"My name is Cathy and whats your name?"
"And whats your job here?"
"Oh, Im their publicist." I answered.
"Do you think ist possible that I could meet their singer once for an autograph and to take a picture?"
"Mh." Was all I could say. I was never in that kind of situation before and I didnt know how JD would react if I would bring her backstage, especially before the gig when the guys were a bit nervous.
"I think thats not possible" I said.
"Well, ist not for free." she said.
"Oh no. I dont want your money"
"Actually I dont have no money, but I could pay you with another stuff."
I became corious. How did she mean that? Sex? No way!
"How do you want to pay me?" I asked her in the end.
"Come with me." She said, then she took my arm and we all went to the toillett. I found the whole scene very strange.
"Here" she said. In her hand was a small paper , looking like an envelope.
As she opened it, I knew immediately what it was. Heroin. Vince and Russel used Heroin sometimes. But JD was absolutely against it. Once when I asked russel about it, and JD heard me asking for an nose, he immediatley started screaming at me. I never forget his angry face. I thought he would beat me. And after that I never asked someone again about heroin. So this offer came quiet right. JD wasnt here and it was for free. I had to take it, there was no way. It was like I was beeing a prisoner of my own. I heard a voice in my head that told me to let her go, but the other voice said all the time, do it , do it. And in the end, this voice won, so I did it. I felt very cool, like an bad guy. Like an hero too. She gave me two lines, it was brown and had small crsytals in it. I snorted them and after 4 or 5 minutes I felt like , mh, I dont know really how to explain it. It was the paradise on earth. I felt more self confident, I could talk without ending and all my thoughts about my dad and other problems were gone. Or? Maybe not gone, but I didnt care anymore. And somehow , I had to scratch me all the time, especially on my arm, in my face and on my legs. Cathy said that it would be normal. So I took her with me backstage after we found Thomas. Thomas looked not that good as I thought he would. But he had a nice and friendly charakter and a great sense of humore, like JD had. We went upstairs, into the next right door. On the Door stood in great black Letters the bands name. I introduced Cathy as an old friend, so I thought I would become less problems. Vince was sitting on the couch playing some strange chords on his guitar, he didnt even say hi to her. Jack was busy and ran from one corner to another while JD spoke to an reporter. Thomas, Cathy and me got us some drinks and waited next to JD. He looked at me, looked away, and suddenly looked at me again with an strange face. I recognized it immediatley. All the time while he spoke to the reporter of the Los angeles times, one eye always had me in sight. I didnt know if he knew what I had done. But as soon as he finished the interview he came to us. He embraced his friend Thomas and then stood right in front of me.
"Thats Cathy, my old friend." I introduced her, but he didnt pay attention.
"You know that it was a big mistake?"
"Not huh. Vada, thats not a game, your dealing with death."
"Well, I think Im old enough to know whats the best for me and Im sure your not my father, so dont tell me what I have to do and what not."
It was in a tune, which I actually didnt meant to speak to him, and as soon as I was finished, I felt bad.
"I wish I was your dad" JD said and walked away. That was our whole conversation. He didnt even say hi to cathy.
The rest of the evening I spent with Cathy and her friends. We watched the concert together and it was funny to be with people my age again after weeks of spending time with the bandmembers who were twice my age. We became drunken and stoned and I enjoyed every second of it. After the concert, they had to go home and i drove with the others back into our hotel. It was a gret hotel and it impressed me a lot. They had guys in front of the hotel who opened the doors for you, amazing! And my room was three times bigger than my room at home. Incredibble. I fall almost dead into my bed.
The next day, the telephone rang and woke me up. It was Jack who asked if I want to join for breakfast. That was one thing I realy liked beeing on the road. We were eating all together, like a big family. Maybe 15 people around one big table talking bout music and other interesting stuff. JD didnt speak with me since the last evening. I already felt bad from the day before drinking and this little fight going on with him didnt make it better at all. I wanted to excuse me, but I waited for the right moment when we would be alone. I had a terrible headache and puked up in my room after getting up. Peter, the keyboarder was siiting right next to me. I asked him for an aspirin. He reached in his pocket and gave me a small white pill. I didnt even paid attention , I thought it was aspirin, and so he did too. Suddenly I had to puke again ran as fast as I could into my room upstairs. Hangign over the toilett, I heaved drily. I started to feel strangely light headed and I thought I was flaoting in midair. I had cool optics and saw great powerfull colours. I was a little nervous. I had never felt like this before. It felt so different than the heroin. I smiled at the swirling images. I began to stare down the drain of the toilett as it seemed to extend into eternity. I saw life and death, colours, mathematical equations. All swirling and dancing in euphoric frenzy. I became lost in it when it suddenly turned pure black. I felt something then and suddenly the toilett clamped shut on me with ten inch fangs. I barely jumped back as it become a terrible demon that was vaguly familiar. I couldnt hear it talking, but it seemed to be talking backwards and forwards, words overlapping with themselves. I rubbed my eyes, trying to shake the vision out of my head and when I opened my eyes again, the demon was gone, only the toilet remained.I breathed with relief and looked down at my hands. I let out an ear piercing scream as I saw tinly little spiders crawling all over them. Still screaming, I ran to the sink and tried to wash them off. The faucet made a horrible growl and finally it released torrents of blood that splattered all over the wall. I saw myself covered in blood and I ran
and tore my clothes off. Stepping out of the bathroom into the bedroom was like stepping into another world. It seemed like a beautiful garden. I layed down on the bed and turned the radio up. The bed became a magic carpet and I was floating down a river of music. lost in its hypnotic tones, I quickly forgot the horror of the bathroom. I stretched right out as I saw an angel came to me and began to speak .
"What the fuck are you on?" the angel asked in maxineís voice but I didnt pay any attention. I saw JD and Jack and Vince all with me as we sailed on the magical journey.
"I love you too." I said. Cause I actually heard the angel saying wonderfull words, instead of that crap out of maxineís mouth.
"You are on acid, arent you?" the angel asked. I smiled, stood up and hugged her. "Take me to heaven with you" I said. "I want to see God and ask him something."
"Wont you rather talk to the devil?" Maxine asked. I didnt understand what the angel said and pulled away. She was no longer the beautifull lady shimmering in a blue aura. She was now something more hideous and I started to scream again. The dark person in front of me started saying worse things over and over again. I became more afraid and thought i should try to get it out of my room or to kill it. I looked around and saw an butter knife on the table. In my mind though I saw the butter knife as a flaming sword and I grabbed it and felt a surge of power swell in me as I turned back to the form in front of me.
"I will kill you" I said and started to laugh. Somehow I wasnt afraid of it anymore, I hated it. I had bad memory in my mind that had to do with it.
"With a butter knife?" she laughed. But i didnt hear her. Screaming, I jumped at her, trying to slash her throat, but she jumped out of the way. With my next try I hurted her left arm and some deep red blood came out of the wound. She started to scream and was swearing at me. She screamed for help out of the door. I, still with the knife in my hand, could only laugh. She made a dash out of the door and got out in the hall. I chased after her, still naked and screaming wielding the knife and wildy. I wanted to kill this monster who was taking on a dreadfull familiarity. JD just came out of the elevator and Maxine screamed at him. He stood frozen for a moment as i took another slash at Maxine, cutting her shoulder just barely missing her throat.
"Vada, stop" JD yelled at me and tried to get the knife. His voice sounded deep and hollow as though he were talking across the expanse of the universe. I looked at him and screamed as his face swam into a thousand fragments. JD at last got the knife out of my sweating fingers and undressed his shirt and wrapped it around my body.
"The demon is going to kill us all" I screamed as Maxine scurried away clutching her wounds.
"Why did you stop me? I have to kill him before he can..." I stopped then as even in the state I was couldnt tell him.
"Whats going on here?" JDís voice was slow, quiet and calmed me down.
"Hold me" I cried as i threw my arms around him. "I Just need to be hold."
We went together in my room. I sat down on my bed while JD kneeled in front of me.
"Vada, whats your trip?" JD asked as I trembled from the dreadful cold I was feeling now..I began to laugh as his voice sounded as though it was under water. I couldnt stop laughing.
"You sounds like beeing miles away. Have you seen my dad? I hurted him." And I was still laughing. "Maybe I took an aspirin to much?" I asked, totally confused.
"Your dad isnt here Vada.That was Maxine." He sounded so strange but not funny. But I couldnt stop laughing no matter how hadr I tried.
"What did you take? Aspirin doesnt do this."
"It was aspirin. I asked our drummer. Im sure it was aspirin.Are you still angry with me cause of yesterday? Im sorry, I didnt mean to scream at you."
I said and watched at the floor.
"He gave it to you?" I nodded and my laughter turned into uncontrollable crying. Jd frowned."Russel" he whispered and stood up. "I dont think it was aspirin, Vada."
"JD, Im so afraid. I had spiders all over my hand. And there was blood. I...I...am I going crazy?"
JD hugged me and whispered" Vada, you dropped acid, thats shit will fuck you up bad. Im going to have to talk to Russel."
"Dont go, please!" I said. I didnt want to be alone again. I thought Dad would come back and hurt me like I hurted him.
"Im not going anywhere Vada. Not until your trip wears off. You cant be left alone when your on acid. But why did you think Maxine was your father?"
He sounded concerned, but I would never tell him.
"That isnt important. But why do I have all those hallucinations? What happens with me? Are you doing drugs?"
"I only smoke grass Vada, I dont do chemicals". I couldnt understand his tone. Was he angry or just concerned? "But Im worried about you, you did heroin and now you dropped acid. Please tell me whats wrong"
"I dont know whats wrong. Theres to much, and I dont like to talk about it. I dont want to get you on the nerves. Are you angry with me?"
"no, Im not angry, and I dont think you knew what you were taking, but please be more careful, okay?" He smiled and his grin was like the cheschire cat. I loved the big toothy grin and I started to laugh again.
"You guys are all so concerned about me. Why? Im 15 years old. And I like heroin. I had no problems and felt good. Why should i stop? If Im careful, there wont happen anything. Im not like theses junkies outside. Believe me."
"Oh really?" JD asked and his smile fell. I shivered uncontrollable. Why was it so cold in here? "you have it under control , do you?"
"Hey, I really thought it was aspirin, believe me. And I have it under control. Why shouldnt I? You dont trust me, huh?"
"I believe you, but I dont think you have it under control." What did he mean by that? If he believed me, why would he say that? I layed on the bed and stared at the cieling became the sky and I imagined I was a bird flying away.
"And when it really happens? Who would be interested? Nobody likes me and maybe it would be the best for everyone when Im gone."
I layed as dead as a corpse for a few minutes and it felt good. Then I looked up at Jd who were still looking at me sadly.
"You want to fuck me, dont you?" I asked. I spread my legs wide. "Well, heres your chance, come on!"
suddenly I started crying. I curled up on my bed like a baby. "Jd, Im so sorry. Im making everything worse."
"No, your not Vada, but we can talk bout this when you come down. Your to emotional now." He came and sat on the bed and put his hand on my back. I immediatley froze.
"Dont touch me" I screamed.
"Vada, dont tell me your father has..." Then he stopped. I looked at him. I was sure he knew now. But I couldnt say yes. I didnt want to. Actually I would have been happy to get an warm embrace of a friend.But I couldnt trust anyone.
"No!" I shouted louder as I meant to. I couldnt have him find out what happened to me. It was something I had to deal with myself.
"Oh god, I want to die..." I began to vomit on the bed. JD helped me to find the way to the bathroom. While I puked my soul out of me, Jd sat down at the doors entrance and bite his lower lip.
"you know" I mumbled into the bowl "I think I have a.." My voice became garbled when I felt consiousness slipping away from me.
"Im so tired...and there were so wonderful colours" I mumbled on.
"Of course." JD said calmly and helped me back to the bed. "Get some rest and sleep it off." He began to stand up and I threw my arms around him.
"Thank you." I mumbled as I fell back and fall asleep. I heard Jd breathing very deep, he whispered my name. The last thing I heard was his boots leaving the room.
When i woke up, I felt like shit. I rubbed my eyes, try to figure out what happened. Swearing under my breath, I rolled over and fell off edge of the bed. I looked down at me and realized i was naked. "What happened?" I said aloud and tried to stand up. The entire room swooned and I slumped back down on the bed. Come on Vada, get up and get dressed, I said to myself and tried again. Suddenly it knocked at my door. "Whoever it is, go to hell," I shouted in my mind. I didnĎt actually answer, as I couldnít get the words out. It knocked on and i heard a voice, familiar to my ears, it could have been JD, or Russel, but it also sounded like the clean up Service.
"Who is it?" I shouted and immediately regretted the loudness of my own voice.
"Its me, russel, can I come in?" I was shocked, cause I was still naked.
"NO, give me a second" I replied. I saw my clothes neatly piled on the chair under the window and I went over and began to dress, swearing as I put my pants on backwards on the first try.
"Come in" I said.
"I was just looking for you down in the lobby when i talked to JD. Im sorry Vada, I didnt really know what it was." He apologized.
"Hmm." I really didnít know what to say to his apology. It sounded magnanimous, but then, what was he doing with that stuff if he didnít know what it actually was.
"Fuck it" I said. He nodded and started smiling again.
"Dont forget the press conference in 30 minutes" Russel reminded me. I had totally forgotten bout it. I hurried up getting ready when he left the room.
This was my big chance to actually write something about the group since agreeing to be their publicist. And I didnít want to let them down. I grabbed pen and paper, my backstage pass and ran to the elevator. In my mind I thought bout questions I could asked. My heart was in my throat as the doors opened and I stepped inside. Closing, I heard a female voice say from down the hall, "hold the doors." It was Maxine. So I didnt hold the doors, but unfortunately she reached them before they closed. Fuck.
"Oh," she whispered icily and stood against the far side. "Itís you."
I raised my eyebrow and looked the other direction. We didnt talk more and I was glad when I arrived at the room where the other press people were waiting.
Taking a seat in the front row, I listened to the other reporters discussing the types of questions they would ask. Mike and Bill, our Bodyguards were already there , so it couldnt take much longer til the band would come up on stage. I smiled at them and they nodded back at me. I saw Maxine off to the side and glanced at her. She gave me the finger. "I love you too" I said. From the last row, you could hear small talk about the bands members. I realized that there were sitting some fans and i wondered how they got in. I was zoning out for a moment as the crowd exploded. I woke up and looked right into JDís eyes standing in front of me. He touched my head, then they seated down behind their table in front.
Shane, the manager, welcomed the press and then introduced the band members before opening the floor to questions. One after another raised his hands and asked what they wanted to know. I had my notice holding in my fingers and actually I wanted to ask them, but somehow at that moment, I couldnt. I became insecure with all the reporters and cameras around me.
I began to nervously crumple up my paper and stared down at my feet. Looking up when I heard a question to JD, I saw him looking at me when he answered, even though the reporter who had asked it was on the other side of the room. I tried to return his look at me, his eyes became more questioning and I tried to tell him through my eyes that I was scared shitless. I saw him make a small motion to me with his fingers, telling me to stand up and say something. So after Peter answered his question, I stood up and said my name and turned beet red as I felt two dozen eyes staring at me.
"What does the band names mean and who had the idea?" I immediatly sat back down, feeling completely stupid.
"Itís just to show how pissed off we are with a fucked up world!" That was it, every reporter there went nuts, writing and shouting questions all at once. What was he doing, saying those words at a press conference? I looked up and he smiled and winked at me. I was relieved.
"What are your songs about?"
"Love, Hate, War,Revolution, just about topics that our younger generation is interested in today. We are singing about our feelings and the impressions of our world."
Scribbling all this down, I was constantly interrupted by the other reporters screaming out questions on why he said āfucked up worldĎ. But nobody answered them and finally Vince said "Thatís it, this conference is over." It only last 25 minutes. Suddenly, the fans from the last row ran forward to the stage and started begging for autographs and pictures. They tried to touch Russel and Jd who very very friendly first, but more nervous looking now. They watched out for Mike and Bill. I tried to get up to them, but the fans were too deep and desperate for a souvenier. Finally the body guards pushed through and got them out of there with me following, amazed at my first experience in the music press.
The next few days were a blur, all different cities, until they all blended into numbness. The only good things were sitting beside jd, him and me writing poems together. Even though I knew he was dissapointed in me for dropping the acid. I knew he still cared for me, but now JD was starting to pay more attention to me. I was working on my story, while JD told me, what was happening next.
"Interested in meeting Morrison? I know you like his poetry book, you are always wearing it with you" Jd told me, whil we wandered slowly into the big hall. JD was right when, I admired Jims Poetry a lot. The way he saw the world, would that I could write like him. There was a guy up on the stage, in black leather pants and blue jeans jacket, He was tall and really good looking. Was that Morrison? My face felt like it was on fire and I found I couldnt make my feet move." Come on Vada" I heard JD say from a million miles away. But I couldnt move. In my memory , he looked different somehow, and now he was wearing a beard. I could hear them talking behind the huge speaker where I was standing and I thought I would die I see JD point over to me. I never met someone famous before, I only knew the Doors from the radio and the papers. I started dreaming until a nice woman crossed my way. She went over to Morrison, touched his shoulder and kissed him on the cheek. Who was this pretty woman? He returned her kiss. Jim introduced her to JD. Now it was my turn to keep them company I thought. So I went over to them.
"Vada, this is Jim, Jim , this is Vada, our man for the press, oh , sorry I mean our woman for the press" JD smiled at me. I shook hands with Jim.
"I like your poetry" I said and become red.
"Oh, really? So it was you who bought my book" I started laughing.
"You wanna keep us company a little bit, Vada?" Jim looked at me and was waiting for an answer.
"Sure, why not" I said and walked away through the big hall together with Jim morison. I still couldnt believe it. Me and Morrison. We walked into their dressing room where I met the other members of the Doors. I realized that they were a bit nervous and felt me being wrong in this room. I was bored somehow until I realized something. This guy called Babe and Morrison were snorting a white powder, it must have been cocain, I became curious immediately and wanted to have some of it for my own, but I was to shy to ask. Morrison came up to me with two stones in his eyes asking me:" Ready to Rock n Roll?"
"Sure" I answered. I followed him out of the dressing room up to the stage where we met JD playing on a guitar, which sounded akin to a cat who got itĎs tail stuck under a rocking chair. "Stick with singing, man" Morrison said. I still felt a bit uncomfortable. I was looking at Morrison. Somehow I liked him, his eyes, so blue and his long black Hair. But I knew, I could never approach to him.
"Have fun?"mI asked JD.
"Yeah, always when ur close" He answered with a wolfish grin.
"Oh , how sweet" I joked and giggled. Jack came up on stage. I hadnt seen much of Jack since that first night, when he rescued me. I was usually with the band and the groupies during their numerous parties.
Jack stood still beside me.
"How have u been?" he asked.
"Im fine" , but I wasnt. All my problems were still there. My father had the police still looking for me. And the other problem...JD. I loved him so much, but he didnt love me. Instead of playing with Maxine, I wished he would pay me a bit more Attention. I needed someone so badly.
I always felt the loneliest in crowds. All I wanted was a friend, someone who would talk to me as a person, rather then a little kid. And JD did that. But we didnt spend as much time together as we used to. All he could think about was Maxine. Part of me hated JD, but exept for Jack, he was the closest thing to a friend I had.
I was still thinking, as someone touched my shoulder. I turned around and saw Jack.
"you want a drink? I can use one."
"Sure, why not?" I shrugged. I looked if Jim and JD would join us, but they were busy with the instruments. I sighed and followed Jack. Jack gave me a can of budweiser and we started drinking. So we still were drinking when Jd and Maxine came in. She immediatley began kissing JD , so that I became jealousy. I grabbed Jacks hand and kissed him on his lips.
"Ah...ah" he turned red and looked at me. Then Jack returned the kiss. I was watching JD and Maxine the whole time, while making out with Jack. Suddenly I became nervous. What happens if Jack wanted more? Maybe sex? The very thought of anyone touching me, brought back the hideous vision of my fathers cruel hands groping me. I froze for a moment, not even able to breath. Finally I ran out of the room, hyperventilating. Jack followed me.
"are you okay?" he asked with what seemed genuine concern.
"who cares?" I snapped. I was angry, but not at him. I was angry at myself. I had let my dad do it to me.
I had to live with it.
It was my mistake.
I hurt so much that I wanted to die. Fuck it, I thought. Jack put his hand on my shoulder and I cringed. H epulled back like touching me gave him an electric shock.
"Im sorry Vada" he said and sat down on his heels and looked up at me.
"Do you want to talk about something?"
I shooked my head and closed my eyes as I pushed the shadow of my past out of my mind. It is not Jacks or anyone elses concern I thought. I had to handle it alone. But I had an even bigger problem now. I couldnt get close to anyone anymore. Was this possible? How could I live my life without love? I felt like if I was going crazy. I wanted to be close to someone, and at the same time, the very thought of even beeing near any man repulsed me so much.
"itís nothing" I muttered absently.
"I thought we are friends" Jack said and looked sad.
"ItĎs nothing. Really."I waled to the side of the stage and watched the soundcheck of the band, just to think about something else. And it worked. Jim was smoking a joint on the stage. I did a double-take and still couldnt believe it.He was really crazy. I watched him for a minute, thinking. Like a scared fawned I shyly made my way up to him. I wanted some of it to try to clear my head.
He really looked stonbed already. Smoking and singing āLight my FireĎ, he reached over to me and kissed me. Then he gave me the joint and drank out of his whiskey bottle. I smoked the whole Joint , while sitting at the edge of the stage, in front of Jim, until I saw someone coming down the aisle. It was the girl who had given me my first taste of Heroin some time ago. I stood up and walked over to her, smiling.
"Hi, remember me Jessie? " I said.
"Of course" she smiled back.
We headed backstage, talking. She told me, that she now traveled with the Doors. That was really cool , I felt.
"So, do you have anything tonite?" I asked. I dont know why I asked her that and her sunken eyes opened in surprise that I should be so frank. Then she smiled slightley and took my hand and let me to the bathroom.
Jessie took out her bag and gave me some white powder.
"What is this?" I asked, not knowing what it was.
"Havent you ever had china white before? This is a thousand times better than that brown crap." She said, " but ist harder to get too".
If I would have been thinking clearly, I would have known this was the point of no return. From that moment, I was a junkie. I felt cool, like a rebel or a gangster. I wanted to share this great feeling of love with the rest of the band. Jd and the other knew what I did and the had warned me, they would kick my ass out of here, if I didnt stop.
But they didnt understand, nobody understood the thoughts that went through my head. Thoughts that at times were so dark and terrible, I thought they would kill me. But the drugs kept the demons away. I pushed Jdís disaproving face out of my mind and stared intently at Jessie cooking on a spoon. She helped me find a vein and shoot up. It was so hot, that I thought my vein was on fire. It hurt a lot and I got little marks on my arms. But almost immediately I felt the rush coming into my head. BOOM! There it was. WOW! That was worth everything. Going into jail, losing my job with the band, or? I closed my eyes and started dreaming. It was wonderful and pleasant. I could have sat there forever, just zoning out. Nothing else mattered, as I swam in and out of reality. I felt so much love in my body, and a safe feeling too. I could talk endlessly. The feeling was indescribable.
Suddenly, the door opened and I saw Maxine coming in. She first looked at me and the needle, shocked. Then she started laughing cruelly. "You know what, Maxine?" I said just as cruelly. "Go and fuck yourself! You dig, bitch?"
She gave me the finger, turned around and left us alone. I knew right away she would tell JD what she had seen. But right now, I didnít care.
"Friend of yours?" I heard Jessie say.
"She is a cunt," I muttered and fell back into the feeling again. I heard a knock at the door, and someone calling my name. Jessie opened it and I saw JD standing there. āOh, fuckĎ I thought.
"We donít want to have junkies around."
"And what about Russel?" I caught him off guard with that.
"Just promise me youíll be careful," JD said.
"I donít need your help!" I found myself shouting louder than I had intended.
"This isnít my job, Vada! I am not your father, dig?"
"Donít worry, JD.
"You are my friend. I have already lost one of my best friends through that stuff. I donít want to lose another one. But itís your life. I canít do anything to stop you, now can I?"
"Whatever," I said angrily and left.
As the door closed behind me, I heard Jessie say, "Why donít you fuck off you sanctim..." and then her voice was gone from my ears.
The last thing I heard was JD screaming, "Fuck you, Vada!" But I didnít care. All I could think of was the heroin. I reached into my pocket to see if I still had the two grams Jessie gave me. I had paid $25 for it, from the money I earned from my job as the publicist.
Walking around in the cool night, I looked up at the stars. They were so beautiful. I wished I could pick one and go to it, so I would never have to deal with anyone ever again. I didnít feel the cold breeze because of the heroin. My skin was numb and I could walk and walk. I felt so happy.
After ten minutes outside, I walked back into the concert area. Turning a corner, I ran right into Jack. His massiveness almost knocking me over.
"We should do this more often, I like to run into your arms, "he joked and started chuckling.
"Sure," I said and got closer. I felt love and wanted to kiss him again. "Tell me what you feel, Jack," I whispered.
"I am really confused, Vada. First you want to kiss me, and then not. What kind of game is that?"
"I thought you liked me."
"I do. I did from the first time I saw you."
I smiled up at him and touched him between the legs. I never thought I would see such a big man blush so red. "What are you doing?" he asked and pulled away.
I was confused. "I thought you loved me," I said.
"Yeah, I told you I do. But I donít want to be your toy. Tell me the truth and donít play with me, ok?"
As stoned as I was, I still hit that black wall that kept me from saying the truth. "Do you want have sex with me or not?" I said, avoiding his question. I turned around so he couldnít see my face and walked away without any idea what happened. It was the only way for me to handle this situation. Walking into a broom closet, I huddled against myself in the dark.
I put my face in my hands and felt like I would cry. I had no idea how to show love, other than sex. But the very thought of sex and intimacy repulsed me. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a small razor blade.
I slowly drew the blunt side over my wrists. āI could do it,Ď I thought. āIt would be so easy.Ď I turned my arm over and slowly pressed the blade into my skin above my elbow. I cried out softly as it sank deeper. It hurt, but it also made me feel so good. It was a relief. Feeling the pain makes me feel alive.
Not long after the concert...
I was just standing outside , in front of our beachhouse. I watched the kids playing around in the water, it was really warm and sunny. I felt good. I snucked a beer out of the fridge and was just relaxing when Jack came up to me, shouting "What are you doing?" I jumped in surprise. But he was smiling.
"Dont do that to me" I said.
"Here, I have something for you" He handed me an envelope.
"What is that?"
"Maybe your first fan letter?"
But it wasnt. I opened it slowly and read the first two lines..."Dear Vada..." It was written in my fathers handwriting.
I looked up and saw Jack still standing in front of me , listening.
"Mh, could you... I mean... you know...please?" I blushed red.
He looked a little hurt. "Aww.." he moaned and then grinned at me. I watched as he went back into the beachhouse after blowing me a kiss.
I smiled and stuck my tongue out at him and then turned back to the letter. I felt so good being with Jack now. I hadnít had much contact with the other band members since the concert and Jack was so wonderful.
Baby I am so sorry for whatever it is you think I have done to you. I never meant to hurt you in any way and I miss you so much..."
I rolled my eyes. "Asshole", I thought and read on.
"Please. I just want to see you again. I am very ill and I donít know how much longer I have. Please call me and let me know if we could see each other again."
I slowly began to tear the letter up. "Good. Die." Now I even felt better, didnt I say it was a wonderful day? I sat down on the chair and started writing a letter for the music managment. As their publicist, it was my job to inform everybody. And I liked the job a lot. But I couldnt concentrate. I had to think about Dads letter. I remembered the time when I was a little kid. I played a lot with Dad at the beach, building sand castles. Then, he didnt even touch me, everything was perfect when I was younger. I dont want him to die, I suddenly thought. Or?
Finally, I threw the paper away and put my face in my hands. "Oh God, tell me what to do." I hated my father so much.. but what if he really was dying? How could I live with myself if I never even tried to make amends? I knew that it was my fault for what happened between us. Itís what he had always told me. I didnít know what to do. And I couldnít even ask Jack or JD or anybody. I could never tell anyone what had happened. Finally, I decided that I couldnít see him again. I went back into the beachhouse to watch tv with Jack, thinking I had everything under control.
After all, didnít I always?
The next day...I was just washing the dishes as JD came in. He had the post in his hands and threw me a letter . It almost fell into the water.
"Oh, thank you, good pitching" I joked around.
"I recieved a letter from the Rolling Stone Magazine. "JD told me.
I became nervous. I wrote a letter to them a few days ago and was waiting for their answer. And there it was.
"What are they saying?"
"they liked your article." JD said. I immediately felt happy.
"They want to make a cover story out of it" Wow! I started screaming and embraced JD.
"See what you can do when you stay away from drugs?" He smiled and walked away, singing, "Well, weíre big rock singers, we got golden fingers, and weíre loved everywhere we go..."
I felt so wonderful and I dried my hands before picking up the letter. "Hmm", I said. It sure didnít look like it was from the Rolling Stone. "What is this then?" I opened it and once again was greeted by that same messy scrawl. āDearest Vada...Ď My heart immediately sank. Why couldnít he leave me alone? Was this going to be a constant thing where he would send me a letter everyday of my life? I didnít want to read it, but something made me.
I was a little bit confused and afraid. I had to take a bit heroin before I could even read this fucking letter. So I went upstairs into my room and picked a book out of the cupboard. I hid it on page 666, I thought that would fit for heroin. I snorted three lines and walked downstairs again.After ten minutes, I opened it again.
"Dear Vada...I was hoping to hear from you. Im really sad right now. I miss you a lot and wanna be with you again, like we used to be when you were younger. Remember these nice days? I need to be with you so badley Please Vada!"
I donít know if it was the heroin that made me walk to the phone. I picked it up and dialed the seven numbers. It rang and I heard my father answer, "Hello?"
I froze when he spoke. "Hello? Is anybody there?" I wanted to scream at him and slam the phone down in his ear. "Leave me alone!" I screamed at him in my mind. "Is that you Vada?" he asked.
I couldnít answer. The words caught in my throat like a vise and I felt like I couldnít breath. "... Da....."
I dropped the line. It was a mistake to call him. But I still had to think about his letter where he wrote that he is ill. Maybe we can meet, but then at it would have to be at a place where a lot of poeple were. Yeah, thats an idea. I will write him a short message. I picked up apapaer and a pen and wrote down the place of our next concert and the time when it started. In almost like a dream, I walked to the mailbox and slid it in. When it closed, it ran in my ears ...what have I done? On the one side, I wanted to meet him and see if he really had changed and what was going on with him, but on the other side, I was scared shitless. On that night I couldnt even sleep. I was so confused about it, and really afraid. But I had to meet him and see if he really had changed. Everythings possible, right?
Like a dying man making his way across a desert, the days passed until the concert. My father had sent me a long letter saying how happy he was that I agreed to meet him and that he wanted to make it right with me. I had also done a lot of drugs in that time. I didnít even know half of what I was taking, but I had gotten really good at hiding it from the band. Speedballs, uppers, downers, all arounders... I didnít know and I didnít care. Part of me wished I would OD before I met him. But I had to meet him.... to come to terms with what I was feeling and with my past.
I hadnít written much about the band lately, as they had been on hiatus in the recording studio and that had freed up a lot of my time. Maybe, a little too much as it gave more free time to get high. But it also let me spend more time with Jack.
Everybody was screaming at me, mostley JD. Everything I made was wrong. I dont know what I have done. And my reaction of that was taking more speedballs. That was my new religion. It wasnt much fun anymore to work for them when this mood came up the whole time. Sometimes I hated it already. Although it was hard to believe, it was my dream and now this. ..
It was twenty to ten. My dad should be here at ten oclock. I was shivering so much, smoking one cigarette after the other and was taking heroin every half an hour. And then it happened. I saw dads car driving up to me. He winked at me and was smiling.
Even if I had been happy to see him, I couldnít smile back. He looked like a giant snake slithering his tongue out at me. My mind screamed to get away from him, that he was going to kill me if I got in the car. But my body wouldnít obey my brain, and I found myself opening the door and getting in.
He hugged me and I sat frozen like a statue. "Iím so glad you agreed to meet me,"
"Mmmm" I mumbled, and closed my eyes for what I thought was just a moment. But when I woke up, we were no longer in the parking lot. I didnít have a clue where we were. All I was aware of was my fatherís hands down my pants, and his heaviness moving on top of me.
"What are you doing?" I began half screaming, half crying.
"You know you want it, Vada," he whispered in my ear and began kissing me.
"No! No!" I screamed at him and tried to open the door, but it was closed. The asshole closed the door! I beated him and screamed and tried to get out of the car. I couldnt believe it, he told me he had changed, and I was so much of an idiot to believe him, that was again my fault. I hated myself for this. I hated myself for everything. I dont know how I made it, but suddenly the door opened and I fall out on the grass. Around me nothing else than trees. Where am I? Why is nobody here to help me? I just wanted to start runaway, as my father grabbed my left leg and I fall again on the grass. He came closer. I kicked him into the face and heard his nose break. He wasnt moving for a second , so I had a chance to stand up and tried to runaway, until I heard somebodys voice behind me. It was a man and a woman together with a dog. My father stood up and tried to act as if we had a accident. I was crying so loudley.
"Hes lying! We had no accident. He want to hurt me, please help me!" I dont know what happened anymore at this evening, the only thing I could remember was, that I woke up the next morning in a hospital.
I was sleeping , when I heard a familiar voice. I opened my eyes and looked at JDís face. I tried to smile, but everything hurted.
"you dont need to talk, I know " he said softly.
"JD, I love you" This was a hard job to tell him finally.
He didnít say anything to that. What had I done? How could I be so stupid as to say that? I began to mumble something when JD finally spoke.
"What happened to you? What were you doing way out in the Hollywood hills?"
"Your father isnít here. You had everyone so worried about you when Shane called us and said you were here in the hospital." He put his hand on my face and I winced. It hurt. "Where did this bruise come from?"
"Mmm.. it doesnít matter," I said and looked over to the window. It had bars on it. "Am I in jail or something?"
"Youíre in clinic. We had to do something about the drugs."
I tried to sit up, but found my arms were restrained. "What?"
"You heard me. We found the drugs in your room. Do you know you had enough to kill a horse?"
"Who cares? Just let me out of here. I donít need to be here."
"Oh really?" JD had such a strange sound in his voice and he took my arm and showed it to me. "Do you see the turkey tracks, Vada? How much drugs have you done?"
Even if I knew I couldnít tell him. "Iím tired, JD", I mumbled and feigned sleep.
JD left the room, and in the same moment, Jack entered.
"Hi Baby, how is it?"
"Why am I here?"
But he didnt answer. He had some flowers in his hand and put them in a vase on my table.
"Thank you, they are so beautiful"
"I was so worried about you"
"Im sorry" Somehow I felt bad. I had to tell Jack the truth, the truth about my real feelings for JD. I couldnt lie to him anymore. So I told him. And again, he didnt answer. I started crying, I was really down. Everything was to much for me. Jack just turned around and left , without any words. Iam an asshole, I though. How could I treat him the way I did right now? He was such a nice guy and always there foir me when I needed him. Im an asshole. But I had to tell him . I was alone with my thoughts. It took me exactly 6 weeks to get out of there.But I made it. The only thing I was thinking of , the day I came out, was: How do I get Heroin now? Great Vada!
First I drove downtown to a friend of mine who was dealing with heroin, after that I drove by cab to the Hyatt Hotel where I knew the band would stay. I ran up the stairs, I wanted to see JD so badley, although I still felt bad about what I had done to Jack. I first went to the toilett to take some heroin, then , as soon as I was finished I walked into the room 812, JDís room. I opened the door and saw the whole band including their groupies having a party. I joined, of course. JD was looking at me the whole evening. I knew that he wanted to talk to me about something serious. Finally , I couldnt take anymore, so I left . I walked into Maxines room, just to be alone for a few moments. Suddenly, I heard a knock on the door.
"who is it?" I asked. JD opened and walked in. I hid my heroin on the cupboard beside the bed, so that JD couldnt see it.
JD looked at me and held my head in his hands. "Vada," he said, his voice quivering slightly, but still strong. "Enough games. Tell me exactly what happened between you and your father."
Tears welled up in my eyes. How could I possibly reveal what he had done to me? I loved JD and I was grateful for his protection but I couldnít bring myself to say the words. Even after all we had been through. All I could do was turn away and look out of the hotel penthouse window onto the night street below. For a moment I imagined myself opening it and taking the most wonderful swan dive into oblivion, just so I wouldnít have to live with these feelings any more. .....
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